Well I Never
by Ladiladida
Summary: Snape/Hermione. Silly drabbles. Hermione thought she had at least figured out how Snape worked, but she was wrong. What ensues are revelations and adventures neither one of them foresaw.
1. Normal Man

**A.N This is a bit of silliness written in honour of Velveteenbunny. I don't usually write this pairing so please bear with me and comments are always welcome. They will be short drabbles and are meant to be tongue in cheek (also please bear with me I'm not as well rehearsed in the books as many people are).**

…**..**

**Well I Never **

**Part One: A Normal Man**

It had been a particularly gruelling class, Harry had once again been the brunt of everything sarcastic and cutting remark that Snape had to give. Hermione was forced to look on silently, watching the man she was infatuated with act like a total dick to one of her best friends. But never mind, as much as Harry grumbled about it he said just as much in about Snape when he was out of the professors earshot.

Ron joined them and they found a quiet corner outside and almost immediately Harry began explaining to Ron what had just gone on. His friend nodded sympathetically and then as Hermione expected he made a typical bone head comment that had absolutely no logic.

"He probably can't help it Harry." Ron explained. "Let's face he was born looking like an emo, he has no other choice but to be a grumpy sod. He was made for the Dark Arts."

The comment made Harry laugh and to be fair Hermione had to suppress a chuckle for a moment. But still Ron was being an idiot but that wasn't the end of it all.

"He probably ranks number one though at the most attractive death eater awards."

Harry's eyebrows raised and Hermione looked surprised to, Ron realised his phrasing was a bit off there and he started to babble something to dig himself out of the hole. But he only went deeper.

"I don't mean I find him attractive…. I mean.. you know… death eaters… they are ugly aren't they… whereas at least… he looks…."

"Attractive?" Hermione finished for him, trying not to laugh but it didn't stop Harry.

"Apparently he is." Harry joked and Ron folded his arms and looked away moodily obviously realising silence was his best option. "But putting that aside, he just winds me up. I wonder sometimes if he's human."

"How do you know he isn't?" Hermione said, feeling the urge to rise to her lovers defence. "Behind closed doors he might be completely normal."

"How do you imagine he's normal?" Ron replied, rejoining the conversation still with the sulky tone in his voice.

"Well… you know…" Hermione said nervously, not wanting to get caught out for the boys did not know about herself and Snape's little thing they had going on. "He might like normal things like…. I don't know…. Shakespeare, walking…. Or Vimto."

"Proffessor Snape likes Vimto?" Ron asked incredulously.

"That's what you class as being a normal person?" Harry joined.

"It was the first thing that came into my head."

"Well why stop there, if he likes Vimto maybe he likes Donuts too." Ron continued.

The boys burst into hysterics and now it was Hermione who grew tired of their childishness and she stood up feeling flustered.

"I'm going inside to read up on our next potions, then maybe I'll get it right first time." She rambled.

"Maybe you could magic up some Vimto in the lesson, the Professor might like that."

"Sod off Ron!" She said and stormed off. As she blindly stomped through the corridors she was taken aback when someone grabbed her and pulled her into the nearby room. It was Snape. He pressed her up against the door and hungrily kissed her for several seconds, then typically he pulled away and acted like they were nothing more than student and teacher. He had a habit of doing that.

"Hello to you to." She said in a low voice, still sounding irritated.

"That facial expression is the kind I expect to see on Mr Weasley, not you Hermione." He said in a chiding tone, he was still keeping up the teacher mode then. "Do explain what the problem is?"

"Oh nothing, I just got a bit annoyed that's all."

"Would you care to expand on the reason?"

"Not really, it's pointless. It's just Ron."

"Then you are right, no further explanation is required. Mr Weasley's face is in the dictionary referenced under idiocy I believe."

"He's alright really, he just knows how to rub me up the wrong way."

"As opposed to rubbing you up the right way?" Snape said and now he moved nearer. "How might one achieve that Miss Granger? Please elaborate."

His body pressed her back against the wall again and his hands rested on her waist, those dark eyes of his looking penetratingly into her own. Somehow that gaze seem to root her to the spot more than any physical force could. She swallowed hard and tried to think of something to say, she knew she was clever and she couldn't let him have his own way all the time.

"I believe it's making intelligent observations, not stupid ones." She answered, her voice more levelled than she imagined for inside she was fluttering all over and a heat was flushing her body. Damn him for making her feel like that when she wanted to seem composed.

"I see." He said his eyebrows raised. "Anything else?"

"I will let you know if I think of anything for a more appropriate time." She said trying her best to sound sultry and mysterious.

"Please do." He answered thickly and then his face came so close to hers their lips were only millimetres away from each other. It was getting too much to bear. "But until then don't harass yourself because as it happens I am rather partial to Vimto."

As these words escaped his lips he kissed her hard on the mouth again and then before she had time to register anything beyond her biological reaction he was gone from the room. God he was a bastard sometimes. As she registered the loss of his presence, the last tingle of their kiss fading from her lips she thought about his words and felt the ridiculousness of it all. He really did like Vimto? Really? Professor Severus Snape a fan of a muggle drink?

"Well I never." She found herself saying aloud only then to catch her breath in her throat.

How the hell did he know about it? There was only one way he could, he had somehow been listening. She would get him back for that!


	2. The Charmed Man

**Chapter Two: The Charmed Man**

It was difficult to tell which of the current circumstances were more hideously humiliating to Snape. The first was being trapped in some kind of gypsy caravan; the second was having Mr Harry Potter bearing witness to it. The latter had of course been a last resort, as he and Hermione had exhausted every idea they had and she had called in Harry to help (on Snapes' express condition however that Weasley did not accompany him) and now inside what was basically a tiny, wooden shed on wheels, the three convened, deeply perplexed.

_The Forbidden Forest was now one of the few places that could offer privacy to the blossoming promise between Snape and Hermione. With every student, portrait and quite possibly microbe armed with a pair of eyes it became difficult to be clandestine. Hermione had liked the prospect of a stroll with Snape, her inner romantic was satisfied and she packed up a small picnic just to add that final touch. They had strolled for what seemed like endless time, he taking her hand and they talked of matters great and small, meeting on common ground that always surprised Snape. Insufferable knowitalls it seemed did have their charms and in Hermione was a charm which he found was rooting a deep attachment within him._

_Their ramble was interrupted just short of finding a spot to stop and sit by the appearance of a large object not far in front. In the tightly knit bowers of the trees Snape illuminated his wand to quite literally shed light on the situation, instructing Hermione to approach with caution by standing behind him. _

_Upon closer inspection it seemed that the object was a small abandoned gypsy caravan that would have been pulled by a pony. It looked old but hardly weather beaten and there was no sense of unease emanating from it._

"_Someone must live here, we should move on." Snape said but taking a step nearer, now very close to the door he wasn't so sure. "Perhaps not."_

"_Is anyone there?" Hermione called but all the reply that returned was the same rustle of trees and faint chirrup of birds. "What do you think happened here? Something bad?"_

"_I don't know." Snape replied and cautiously he approached and knocked once on the closed door. For a moment there was silence and a tension started to build that made Hermione seek out Snapes' hand and interlace her fingers with his. Hermione saw that above the door carved in faded letters were the words 'Three should be acquainted with me'. She drew Snapes' attention to the words and conjecturing he proceeded to knock three times slowly, the door in answer opened of its own accord and Hermione's grip on her lovers hand tightened._

"_Lumos." Snape commanded quietly._

_All at once several candles lit themselves and the low ceilinged, faded velvet interior was revealed to them. At the centre were two plush, worn chairs and a table and as tradition went a crystal ball rested in the centre._

"How exactly did he get stuck to a crystal ball, Hermione?" Harry asked incredulously, wanting to laugh really but appreciating it was neither the time nor the place. Besides Snape still had another hand free to smack him round the head.

"I don't know exactly, we were drawn to it, like some power was emanating from it and I was about to touch it but he stopped me…"

"I'm sure you can imagine the rest Potter." Snape interrupted with an impatient sneer.

_Hermione's hand reached out to touch the crystal ball which glowed a deep blue mist making her will no longer her own. Darting forward Snape tried to knock the crystal from its brass pedestal but found it became fixed to his hand. He shook it, tried to throw and even prise but it would not budge and as Hermione's clarity returned to her she too tried all she physically could. It would not move by mortal strength._

Harry considered for a moment.

"What spells have you used?"

"Alohomoro, stupefy and reducto and Seve… Proffessor Snape tried several charms but the orb won't let him arm himself with his wand."

"Okay." Harry mused. "By the way Hermione, I guessed ages ago about you and… Proffessor Snape so don't worry."

"Well then be wise Potter and keep your council, not running off to Weasley or any of the others with your girls gossip."

"No sir."

"We need to get back, have you got any ideas Harry?" Hermione said hurriedly. "If we're both missed it will look very bad."

For a few seconds silence passed as Harry continued to think and then a look came across his face that spoke of inspiration. Hermione saw it but as she matched it with an expression of hope, Harry's face dropped.

"No we can't…"

"What is it Potter?"

"Well… I thought… do you remember when you came to intercept… Sirius…"

"How could I forget?" Snape replied sarcastically.

"What about it Harry?"

"Well I used… expelliarmus…"

Snape stood up, the ball staying fixed to his hand and he pointed right in Harry's face.

"Absolutely not!"

A pluck of defiant courage seemed to rage in Harry as it sometimes did when Snape got under his skin.

"Well have you got any better ideas? Thought about returning to Hogwarts with that stuck to you? It will be a nice little anecdote I'm sure."

"He can't leave the caravan, Harry." Hermione interceded, trying to break the tension.

_Hermione had not seen Snape be thrown into a chair by an invisible force before, but when his patience wore thin and Snape began to storm from the caravan, his defiance cost him. The moment his feet touched the doorway a pulse of magical energy sent him hurtling back to one of the plush chairs._

Hermione neared Snape and looked him square in the eye.

"We haven't tried expelliarmus, Severus."

"For a good reason."

"What if I did it, would you trust me?"

Snape knew he was in a catch 22 here, saying no would cost him more than his liberty, he would put doubt in Hermione's mind.

"I do not particularly enjoy the prospect of being thrown about… again in a futile attempt to free me." He complained, growing weary of his predicament. Yet two minutes later his hand was resting with the orb on the table and Hermione and Harry were stood at the opposite end of the caravan, Hermione pointing her wand with determined purpose. She and Snape's eyes were locked on one another, silently communicating trust and belief. Hermione swallowed hard and taking a deep breath she said firmly.

"Expelliarmus!"

That was the second time that day Hermione saw her lover be thrown around a caravan.

Sometime later when sense and order was regained, a fatigued Snape and his two protégées sat around the table in silenced bafflement. Finally Hermione said.

"Wait a moment, what did it say above the door again?"

"Three should be acquainted with me." Snape replied wearily, rubbing his eyes with his free hand and pushing his hair off his face.

"That must mean something." Harry mused.

"As usual Potter your powers of perception are…"

"Yes it does." Hermione interrupted and gave Snape a sideways look. "This place did not have an owner but everything is still here, so maybe it was seeking one."

"Yes!" Harry said his mood brightening. "And to free yourself you must fulfil this places purpose."

Snapes' face dropped and he gazed hard at Harry in complete disbelief.

"You're telling me that to be free I have to tell fortunes?! That is ridiculous!"

"It may well be but he's right Severus." Hermione said resting her hand on his free one. "And you have to tell three of them."

"What else must I do? Put a scarf on my head and dress like a bohemian?"

"Just do it, what happens hear will not leave here." Hermione assured him and glancing at Harry he also nodded his assurance.

"I true your council Hermione and so I also trust Potters, but what you forget is there are only two of you. We need a third."

"I'll fetch someone." Harry replied.

"More of an audience, marvellous. As if this wasn't unbearable enough!" He groaned then after a moment he said flatly. "Who?"

There was a pause and Snapes' face dropped still further.

"Weasley."

As the four emerged from the caravan an hour or so later, Hermione and Snape hung back from the boys for the sake of the latters damaged pride. Harry and Ron whispered together like a pair of schoolgirls about what had just occurred, whereas Hermione soothed her lovers discontent with promises of pleasures later on which he had prophesied during her reading. This was of course done privately between the two of them, Harry had led a reluctant Ron outside for that particular episode. There was still on question Ron wanted to ask but had the sense not to, perhaps one day he would ask it but until then it merely rotated in his mind.

_How on earth did Hermione and Snape end up in a caravan in the first place?_

Puzzle on Ron Weasley, puzzle on for as they say, ignorance is bliss.


End file.
